Love or something and marriage. Part 1.

It is weird sometimes when we feel a strange attraction to some people. I met him at a photoshoot and now we are almost inseparable.
I never felt true love till I started loving him. I was not selfish nor greedy and had less expectations. I replace my jealousness with a smile and my greedy and selfish side with prayer.

That is not all.
I have a phobia of being in a serious relationship. I do love but I start to pull away when I feel it is serious. I want to get married someday and have my own children but I don't know why I fear marriage. It might be because of the community I grew up in where men do not respect or value women. Women are always the lesser specie and means nothing in the man's life but a slave he sleeps with when he want, who gives birth to children that the man takes no responsibility of. The women are always left to cater for their children and sometimes feed the whole house.

Divorce is very rampant here, a man marries a girl because of lust and divorces her when he has a taste of her womanhood. Many young girls are left divorced with either a child or two.
I know a story of a man who married a girl but does not care for the family. She has 2 children for him now who both suffer from malnutrition. When she was pregnant with the second child she was given an nutrient bar at the hospital to give the child and for herself, the husband ate it all and left them with nothing. The man earlier paid for his Hajj (pilgrimage) to Makkah while his family is suffering from malnutrition. Religiously you cannot leave your family with hunger while you spend a lot of money to ask God for something. Men here do not know the rulings of marrying a woman and caring for her.

Sometimes the problem is from the parents also, forced marriage. People still practice forced marriage here which is prohibited in Islam. A girl would be forced to marry a man because of his wealth or because of the relationship between her parents and his parents. Most of these girls end up cheating with men outside, or the man mistreats her because he feels he has the upper hand.

End of part 1.

Past love

I have loved and hated then loved again. I have done so many things in the past, made a lot of relationship mistakes. What do you expect from someone who truly loves? I was obsessed and a jealous freak. All I can think of was myself. I wanted to be happy in my relationship, I needed to feel at ease. I wanted to be the only person he loves but I was making a lot of mistakes by believing that he can love me alone.

Knock at the door

I sat in the living room watching "Riverdale" when I heard a knock on the door. I rose up and went to the door to open it. I turned the Bolt to unlock, when I heard whispers. I never thought and wanted the view panel at our door till that day. I wanted to see who it was. I called out "who is it?" but there was no answer. I turned off the TV and went to my room, picked my phone to call my mom and ask where she is. "Hi mom! " I said, "When will you be back? ", she answered on the other end "Soon", and that was the conversation.
I brought out a book to read in order to calm down a bit not because I was in the mood to read, I wanted to go back to watching my movie but I was scared of turning on the TV because of the sound. I opened the middle of the book, it was "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets" it belonged to my 12 year old sister. I was looking at the page and seeing how tiny the font was for me to read when I heard a knock again. I rose up hurriedly like cold water was poured on me. I went to the kitchen, grabbed a knife and went to the door and asked once more "who is it?", there was no answer. I opened the door slowly and I saw no one. There was no sign of any human activity at the front door. Till date I wondered what actually happened that day.

Child sexual abuse

Child sexual abuse is almost the most talked about topic nowadays.

Question is "What causes child sexual abuse?"
Are children sexually abused by psychopaths? Some say it is a disease. Whatever it is no one deserves to be abused or raped. Both boys and girls get abused.
The first time I heard a boy being abused, I was actually shocked more than surprised.
What do these people gain from it? What pushes them to do it? A victim can stay for years or all their life not being able to talk about it. It haunts them, they have nightmares and that shapes their future. A victim could find themselves feeling distant, not trusting people and always self conscious. 

Do the doers feel some sort of satisfaction? Yes they do, just like a person who like having sex with an animal, it is not right but they do it because they feel superior to the person and enjoy the vulnerability of the victim. Doing that doesn't make the doer any better but less.
Most times children are being sexually abused by the people they trust or those who are close to them, either their step dad, uncle, neighbour, teacher or even dads. Sometimes the ladies also sexually abuse kids which was also a shocker.
Victims are being torn open, and a part of them is being stolen. They never get it back. As a child you are being forced to do something you never wanted to do, something you have no idea what it is, something strange and unfamiliar, a child gets exposed to that kind of life at a very tender age.

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Those things that make me unhappy.

I am not alone yet I feel lonely.
I am loved yet I feel hated.
I am alive yet I feel like a ghost.

I really woke up excited today even though I had like 3 hours of sleep. Couldn't sleep last night and had to wake up early to go to work. Our office is not like the normal offices you know. I mean we are all friends there so we always have fun, laugh, eat, gist and well work.

Came back home after a kid's birthday we went to cos she is the grand daughter of our boss. And I took them pictures there.

I came back home tired and hungry, I was having headache due to lack of sleep. I dozed for like 10 minutes and couldn't sleep.

My thoughts came back. All the things I want and not getting. The people I want to be with but can't. The decisions I made about my life and hoping it is not a wrong one. That job I want to get. The fate of my photography business. All those thoughts dangled up in one small ball and I can't seem to untangle it.

I really don't know what is happening to me. I am feeling depressed all over again.

Almajiri project 2018.

It was an amazing journey so far. I travelled, I met new people, started photography, started my one year service, I became better, I changed.

My 31st wasn't the normal way I usually spend it. Woke up in the morning as my usual self. Moody as always with a bit of headache cos I didn't get enough sleep. Had to get myself something to eat. My sister is the more hard working one at home, she decided to cook lunch. I ate leftover tofu and wanted to flush it down with tea when I remembered I have to go for Almajiri project organised by #iAish with #AYDI and our very own #AYDF. I hurriedly took a bath and used smoke perfume on my cloth. I walked in the dusty environment a bit before I could get transport to my destination. It wasn't a long drive to the Islamic school of the Almajiri. I was the last one there though. I met with them and we got to work. We used mobile phones to interview the Almajiri on formal education. Surprisingly we met two who are already enrolled in school. They are being sponsored by the people they work for.

We asked them their ambitions and dreams, the method they would prefer to learn, and we saw the effect of an app we used to teach them at the spot. A boy traced the letters on the app and then could write the letters in a paper.

Almajiri are young kids who are being separated from their various homes to other states or nearby country in order to study Qur'an using a small brown wooden board. Most of these kids leave their homes at a very tender age of 3 or 4. They have to adapt to their new environment and also learn to do house work in order to fend for themselves. Those little house work they do means a lot to them, that is where most of them get the food they eat and if they are lucky they also get enrolled in school but still going to their Almajiri school.

Sometimes parents send their kids off to Almajiri school when they can't afford to fend for the child. These kids miss home, they miss their family, they miss the love of family. They grow up with strangers and will have to make those strangers their new family.

Our interview ended with us taking group pictures with the kids.

Alhamdulillah for a great year.